RelationshipsHow to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones (And More!)
Guidelines for the most modern of men.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones
Hold an aux-cord like an Olympic torch and wait patiently until she approaches you.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Ignoring You
Set yourself on fire. The crackling flames will acquire her attention, the smoke will carry your message.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is on the Other Side of a Wall
Invent a communicative apparatus for a primitive transmission of sound using wires, pulleys, tuning forks, actuated Morse code printers, batteries, draw strings, and copper braids. Spend decades working on your project. When you have completed it say, “Watson, come here. I want to see you!” You are Alexander Graham Bell.
For context, the original.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is in an Echo Chamber
Study the powerful reverberating speech of whales. Learn to listen to them. Grow to respect their communication so deeply that you forget to visit the woman in the echo chamber.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Skydiving
Wait in a pristine field for an airborne winged angel. Become his close confidante. Help him clean his feathers. Travel the clouds together for eternity in an ideal symbiotic relationship.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is a Hologram
Process your voice thoroughly. Change the range, speed, rhythm, and vocal patter. Ensure that it is auto-tuned into a smooth and featureless continuation of tones that are as soothing as they are unrecognizable.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is an Alternative Plane of Existence on the Space-Time Continuum
Speak freely or as freely as you can when you understand that everything you utter is a futile and furious barbaric yawp into a void.