TechDear Everyone, That Was Not A Subtweet
By now, you may have read the terrifying story of Jessica Taylor, the Penn State freshman who, in a rather fabulous display of passive-aggression, printed a bunch of angry tweets from her roommate and posted them in their dorm, as seen here:
Obviously, Jessy will leave school and take a freelance job with BroBible sometime within the next week. There are a lot of lessons to draw from this incident. The first is that college students are monsters. The second is that every college dorm room should be a single. The third is that Penn State is a loony bin. But above all, I want you to know that Jessy’s roommate's tweets are NOT subtweets.
I know she referred to the tweets as “subtweets,” and many media outlets followed suit, perhaps because they think of subtweets as any tweet that rips a person without directly @-ing them. But that’s horseshit. We need a better definition of what is a subtweet and what isn’t. Look again at those printouts. There’s nothing coy about them. Those are straight-up insults, man. The “sub” in subtweet should stand for SUBTLE, god dammit. You wanna see a subtweet? Here’s a subtweet:
BOOM. There you go. Here’s another:
FUN FACT: 90% of all subtweets are shots at Taylor Swift. Anyway, here’s one more:
You get the idea. In order for it to be a real subtweet, the target should remain nameless, so that people replying can go “Ooooooooooh, SHADE!”. But I guess SOME people just don’t understand how to do a drive-by properly now, do they? You know who I’m talking about.
Anyway, if you can’t find a discreet way to stab your roommate in the back before narc-ing on her weed habit to the RA, you need to get out of the Twitter business. I am deeply alarmed that our youth lack the savvy to properly get away with bitching about people. If you name a person directly, on a public platform, you aren’t subtweeting them. You are merely leaving a digital paper trail that will end with you in the Dean of Students office, ready to meet your doom. Get your shit together, kids.