RelationshipsWhat Is Curving, and Will Drake Ever Be Okay Again?
On Sunday night, Rihanna deployed one of the deadliest weapons in her arsenal.
On Sunday night, at the MTV Video Music Awards, which serve to inform the general public that MTV does something other than chronicle the lives of pregnant Rust Belt teens, something happened to Drake.
He was feeling confident that night, you could tell. Drizzy'd gotten his beard lined up, he wore a nice tux, and he was ready to serve up some Williams sisters-style game to Rihanna, a girl who had previously rubbed her butt on him and let him smell her hair in a music video.
His moment arrived. Describing her as "one of my best friends in the world," Aubs let that big pot of feelings boil over. "She's someone I've been in love with since I was 22 years old."
The audience cheered. Mr. Graham made his move. First base was just inches away. Then it happened. Rihanna, perhaps unaware that this man had just declared his love for her, turned away, and instead of planting her mouth firmly on his, cradled his head like a baby. What happened? The fucking curve, man.
What is the curve?
The curve is a move used by recipients of unwanted physical attention to keep other people's mouths off of them. Why would someone not want to kiss you? The answer lies somewhere at the intersection of sex-positive feminism, less-hot Barbie dolls, and the built-in-bra.
How is it deployed?
A combination of chess strategy and football blocking, the curve disarms, distracts, and deflects. What begins in your mind as frenzied makeout that moves from the street to the back of a cab to her place (tastefully littered with oversized mirrors and nipple clamps), turns into something decidedly unsexy, like the delicate embrace you'd use on an infirm grandparent.
So you're left standing there, unfathomably un-made-out-with, doubting the word of all those people (DOZENS OF THEM) who've told you what a catch you are.
Is… is this something you can recover from?
The only way to come back from the curve is to play it cool. Accept that things have not gone according to plan and move on. Long-winded explanations or apologies for why you tried to get some mouth time in the first place will only make things more awkward. And for the love of God, don't try to do it again. Life is not some John Hughes movie. The weeping willow of your sexual frustration will never bear fruit.
Could it happen to me?
If it could happen to Drake—he'll be fine—after he declared his love for RiRi at literally the most romantic sports arena/concert venue on the East Coast, it's going to happen to you. Prepare. Dust off those windmill high-fives that always seem to cut through tension like a hot knife through butter. Or practice a convincing, "Oh snap, you thought?" while hoping the combination of the stage lights and her hair will be effective means of drying your tears.
Somebody just curved me. Is she a witch?