NFLThe 5 Stages of Dealing with ESPN's Fantasy Football Site Going Down
The horror! The humanity! The "having to actually do your own math!"
Today something terrible happened. As the NFL began its season in earnest, millions of people turned to ESPN to feed their
minor gambling addictions fantasy football needs. Only instead of getting updates on their match-ups and the information they needed to send their friend Jerry a scathing email with insults that eventually got way too personal, they got nothing. Absolutely nothing. On laptops they got:
And phones were no help either:
Like anything dealing with something this awful takes steps. Specifically it takes these steps:
"It can't be that ESPN's site is down. It's the first Sunday of the season. They couldn't possibly screw up so badly on such a huge day. No it must be my wifi. When in doubt, yelling, 'Fuck Time Warner,' has never steered me wrong."
"What a bunch of fucking idiots. How could they let this happen today? I need to know how Ryan Matthews is doing! I'm not going to bounce from game to game trying to figure out the numbers. What is this? 1997. Go fuck yourself ESPN."
"Maybe this is a sign that I should stop watching football. I've felt weird about it for years now. It's hard to just enjoy the game when you see Cam Newton get hit so many times, it seemed like he thought he was at a kid's birthday party on Thursday night!"
"What's the point? You've lost your league 9 straight years. Why just give your money away like this? Based on the emails I send every year, it's clear I just hate Jerry. Why do I let this league keep him in my life. This is bad for me.
"Okay, so Ryan Matthews has 48 yards. That's good for 4.8 points. Add that to the rest and… Haha, fuck you, Jerry! How do you like that?!"
I'm not convinced the world wouldn't be better if fantasy football disappeared forever tomorrow.