Whoa. This changes everything.
Have you heard the big news? Did you always think Grease was a goofy, lighthearted musical about a couple of crazy kids falling in love in the 1950s? Well, you've been watching it wrong, dipshit.
Decades after its release, the real story of Grease has finally been blown wide open by one MINDBLOWING FAN THEORY that EXPLODED across the internet this week. Sandy, the character played by Olivia Newton-John, might seem like a perfectly normal Australian exchange student, but get this: She's actually been dead the whole time. That's right: Sandy drowned before the movie even began. It turns out all of Grease was just an elaborate fantasy, happening entirely within Sandy's brain, as she slipped from a comatose state into death.
You may recall similar fan theories about other popular movies and TV shows. There's The Walking Dead, which is clearly just an elaborate fantasy happening in the mind of the comatose Rick Grimes; Spectre, the most recent 007 movie, which has a whole third act that's just an elaborate fantasy concocted by Bond as he dies in Blofeld's torture device; The Simpsons, which has been an elaborate fantasy in the mind of the Homer Simpson since he was rushed to the hospital in 1993's "So It’s Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"; the original Star Wars trilogy, in which Yoda is secretly a ghost the whole time; and even the Nickelodeon cartoon Rugrats, in which all the kids except Angelica were elaborate hallucinations because the real kids were either stillborn or aborted.
Is your mind blown? Are you picking your eyeballs up off the floor right now? Well, prepare to drop them again, because I'm here to reveal the big secret that will change the way you watch movies and TV shows forever: Every single character has been dead all along.
Whoa. Makes you think.
I can already hear you internet skeptics rushing to the find holes in my bulletproof fan theory. "Come on," you'll say. "That's ridiculous. You can't possibly justify any of this. There's absolutely no evidence. Why am I still reading this article? I hate you." Etc, etc.
Citizen Kane? Okay, okay, he was already dead the whole time. But get this: He was never rich.
If you're not buying it yet, allow me to demonstrate. Remember when Tony Stark was held prisoner by terrorists at the start of the original Iron Man? Dead the whole time. The whole Marvel Cinematic Universe is just a figment of Tony Stark's imagination, just moments before he dies in a cave in Afghanistan. Is that really less plausible than a world full of aliens and super-soldiers and Norse gods?
What about Breaking Bad? Just a sad-sack dying of lung cancer, fantasizing about what his life would have been like if he had decided to become a meth dealer. Lord of the Rings? Just Frodo imagining that he had succeeded in tossing the One Ring into Mount Doom, dying after he gets stabbed by a Ringwraith at the start of Fellowship. The Lion King? Just a hallucinatory dream by the young Simba, dying of starvation in the desert after his uncle Scar cast him out. Citizen Kane? Okay, okay, he was already dead the whole time. But get this: He was never rich. He's just some poor guy on his deathbed, fantasizing about what his life would have been like if he had been a rich guy on his deathbed. He never even owned a sled!
The thing that all you haters don't understand about fiction is that you can make it mean whatever you want. Sure, you have to willfully ignore the actual point of the story to make these fan theories work. And sure, maybe combing everything you watch for bizarre, obtuse clues to far-out theories is the least interesting or fruitful way to engage with a work of art. But trust me: When you see the clicks you get as soon as you put "MINDBLOWING FAN THEORY" in a headline, it'll all be worth it.
Okay! Now that we've settled that, I'm gonna go read this 1891 Ambrose Bierce short story collection. I hear there's a crazy twist at the end of "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge."