FoodI Tried the Future of Breakfast and It Was Fine
Soylent—that powder meal replacement disrupter—has combined coffee and its special powder in a 400-calorie, chuggable breakfast.
It’s called Coffiest. It’s the latest product from Soylent, the company famous for their meal-replacement powders, and this one seems to be coming for your stand morning needs (food + caffeine). It's delivered in a conveniently sized bottle (13.5 ounces) and made primarily of soy powder, algal oil, and coffee (basically Soylent coffee). Coffiest is vegan, lactose-free, nut-free, and also how I described a cold to my pediatrician at age seven.
My ideal breakfast is a bagel, with modifications (a fried egg) if I am hung over, and black coffee. My normal breakfast is a bagel and a black coffee because I live the life I want to, and I’m afraid of dying without having consumed enough bagels. Coffiest does nothing to quell this mentality.
In the hierarchy of morning needs—caffeine, enough calories to stave off lunch feelings, convenience, taste—Coffiest fulfills three of the four adequately. I did not wait in line to acquire it. I didn't even buy it because my editor gave it to me [Ed note: lol yes, "gave" and not "imposed upon"]. My first lunch feeling was around 10:37am (that means I simply remembered the lunch existed), my first pang of lunch hunger clocked around 12:15 pm. The price is also relatively appealing, if it's compared to anything more than a piece of toast and a large deli coffee ($3.09). I did not feel sick, nauseous, tired, or spacey. In this way, it's better than having no breakfast at all.
Here's the thing with meal replacements: I'm not sure what to compare them to. They are better than nothing, but are they better than your standard quick toast standing by the sink while coffee brews? I'm not sure. Soylent's founder, Rob Rhinehart, never had ambitions to replace special meals. He wants to replace forgettable ones, like frozen pizzas and the weird packaged chicken salad from the coffee place. So against the meals of pure necessity—what I call desperation toast—Coffiest is fine. It tastes better than plain Soylent, which I agree has the slight essence of Metamucil, the light scent of glue, the aura of chalk, but is still better than any coconut water.
Unfortunately, it doesn't taste like the future. I suppose that's an unfair ask of it, but I wanted to pretend I was drinking it on a spaceship. This wasn’t very easy because it tastes most like a more granular Yahoo. It also has that distinctive phlegmy quality of milk that coats your tongue, so if that's the most important part of your day, Coffiest will provide.