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Howard Dean Has an Intriguing Explanation for Donald Trump’s Sniffles

PoliticsHoward Dean Has an Intriguing Explanation for Donald Trump’s Sniffles

Come on, he's joking. Relax.

During last night's debate, many eagle-eyed observers noted that Donald Trump's typical yelling ability appeared somewhat compromised by a mysterious case of the sniffles.

Of course, there are many perfectly reasonable, entirely unremarkable explanations for this. Maybe the man suffers from seasonal allergies, or came down with an early-season cold. Or, if you believe former Vermont governor and one-time presidential candidate Howard Dean, perhaps something a bit more…nefarious is going on.

When asked about his comments today, Dean declared he had nothing to retract or apologize for, deadpanning that the American people deserve to know if the 70-year-old presidential candidate is a secret habitual user of cocaine.

Spoiler alert: this is a joke. Howard Dean, a medical doctor, does not actually believe that Donald Trump uses cocaine. (Calm down, Michael Cohen.) He's simply having a little fun with the fact that every little tic or hiccup that afflicts presidential candidates, from sighing to smiling, is analyzed with the rigor typically reserved for the Zapruder Film. In fact, no one knows this better than Dean, a one-time presidential candidate whose campaign was derailed by, of all things, his damn voice cracking at the wrong time. Plus, Trump has spent his entire candidacy presenting every mundane detail of his opponent's life as evidence that she is feeble, sickly, and possibly dying of an undisclosed illness, and he continued to push these stupid, sexist conspiracy theories during last night's debate.

As long as nonsensical allegations about candidates' health are going to be a part of this election, Dean, as a medical professional and concerned citizen, has decided he has a moral and ethical duty to leave no stone unturned. That's good narcing, Howard. Thank you for your service.

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