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How to Order for Her

RelationshipsHow to Order for Her

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A very handy three-step guide!

Few questions have prompted as many mini-strokes as, "What do you want for dinner?"

Eating is hard on the teeth and the ol' thinkbox, and there are secret vegans everywhere. What a minefield! If anyone were to answer that question honestly, we'd probably just end up eating ramen and cupcakes for dinner until we have to be removed from our house on a forklift.

As a means of avoiding the inevitable hair-pulling that follows the suggestion that, as mentioned by the most respected commercial scientists of our childhood, pizza bagels are an anytime food, many cunning individuals have taken it upon themselves to sidestep the confusing process entirely by removing choice from the equation. Making choices just wrinkles a woman's brain and makes it look ugly, and some of us are still trying to get married some day!

We've seen it time and time again in movies and on TV: a man and woman go out to eat, and when the waiter comes by to take their order, the confident hero gives whatever Caitlyn or Amanda he's wooing a look that shows he's got it all under control. Ignoring her wants, needs, or deadly tree nut allergy, he goes ahead and orders her a garden salad (dressing on the side!), and a big, bloody steak, because there's nothing hotter than a thin, conventionally attractive woman who loves to eat. Impressed by his take-charge attitude, she gratefully reveals her vagina, and proceeds to pop out baby after baby until she's some gross age like 36 and he sends her to live with a group of other boned-out B-minuses on a farm upstate. I'll have what she's having? More like, "I'll have what he's ordering for me!"

In practice, though, is this really the way to a woman's heart? Should you be ordering for her? Here are some questions to ask yourself first:

1. Can she speak?
Oooh-wee this can be a tricky one! There are all kinds of reasons a woman might not be speaking at any given moment.

She could be keeping a fish alive in her mouth. She could have traded her voice to a sea witch in exchange for legs! Her jaw could be wired shut in preparation for looking pretty at your wedding, which her hometown newspaper will write up and describe as a "whirlwind romance" but you know was mostly a hasty proposal based on your eagerness to see what that mouth do.

While there's always the frightening chance that the sound that comes from her mouth could be something other than a human voice—perhaps a song that lures you to your death—ordering for her means you risk never hearing the dulcet tones of a woman who keeps mispronouncing simple food items and needs the guidance of a worldly man's man who spent four months in Florence during his junior year. Love her. Guide her. Correct her.

2. Is she nervous?
Being in the presence of powerful, god-like entities can be a very intimidating experience, believe you me. To keep her from ruining the fabric-covered banquette at this Olive Garden with her body's natural response to the horny powers of your booming voice, you might want to let her practice her ordering skills. Sure, she'll sometimes tell the waitstaff that all she wants is a stack of menus like she saw at the hostess booth. Or she’ll try to grab one of those foam display cakes off the dessert cart. But the point is, she's learning—or so we hope!

3. Did she ask you to order for her?
Sometimes women have to leave the table at dinner. There could be a child outside in need of a comforting maternal figure, or she could need to run to the restroom to do whatever it is women do in there, like perfuming earlobes or reviewing flash cards of slightly agape mouth positions that look sultry, but not slutty. While she's off playing daisy-scented Mother Teresa, she might need you to order for her so that she can return to daintily pick at the banana split you've requested she eat sloppily. If she asks you to order for her, have at it, old boy! This could be the start of something beautiful!

If you want to find out just how fun it is to have someone else make your decisions for you, pull a Sadie Hawkins and let your lady friend order your meal sometime! Foam display cake covered in extra-runny whipped cream, coming right up.

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