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Donald Trump Is Still Really Bad at Pretending He’s Christian

PoliticsDonald Trump Is Still Really Bad at Pretending He's Christian

Hmmm.

Donald Trump is many things (loud, dumb, not as rich as he says he is) but one thing he is not is a convincing Christian. He's kind of wishy-washy around what practicing Christians actually say and do. Take what he said earlier this summer about his deep love for the Bible: "This Bible was given to me by my mother, going to Sunday school… So, we love the Bible. It's the best. We love The Art of the Deal, but the Bible is far, far superior, yes." His love of Jesus always is mentioned in tandem with how well he polls with Christians, which, you know, is a very creative way to interpret the values of Christianity. This trend continued at a rally in Iowa, where Trump once again bragged about getting the evangelical vote.

Then he ventured into the world of "jokes" kind of in the way that middle schoolers "joke" by just sort of telling the truth in a mean way and then wait to see if they're gonna get in trouble. Middle schoolers get in trouble. Trump gets stronger, like a Lernean Hydra. In this instance Trump's joke was a way to take the room's temperature and see which of his adoring fans were "conservative Christians" by a show of hands.

"Raise your hand, Christian conservatives everybody," Trump said, as some people cheered and raised hands and others assumed this was a rhetorical question. Yet Trump wasn't done.

"Raise your hand if you're not a Christian conservative, I want to see this, right. That's—oh, there's a couple, but that's all right. I think we'll keep them right? Should we keep them in the room, yes? I think so." You gotta admit, it takes a benign leader to keep non-Christians in a room, although you do have to admit first that it takes an unhinged psychopath to ask rally participants to confirm their religion.

All of this is part of Trump's grand plan to convince conservative Christians that he's one of them, particularly in Iowa where there's a strong evangelical presence. That's why he had a sign made up:

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"Let me read to the children next."

His tactics are about as primitive as "Me Tarzan, you Jane" but they're also working, because it's much easier to take Trump's bullshit at face value and turn your head the other way. Pretty soon Trump voters all over the country will also be saying "We love the Bible. Raise your hand if you're not a conservative Christian. I think we'll keep them, right?" and everyone just laughs and laughs. And then the flying lizards sweep us up and drop us in a fire pit, because we're in hell. Fun!

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