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Clowns Are Bummed That Everyone’s Afraid of Them

News & CultureClowns Are Bummed That Everyone's Afraid of Them

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You know, you can't just dress in a way that haunts a child's dreams without people being scared of you anymore.

There are many pressing issues we face as a society today. We're in the midst of an election that feels as important as anything in our history. Global warming continues to lead the planet to its untimely end, unless our best and brightest scientists can figure out a way to save us. Systematic racism remains an ugly and entrenched part of our society and we must continue to search for ways to fix it. But perhaps the single most pressing issue of our time is this: "Why the fuck are there still clowns?"

Clowns are terrifying under best circumstances, but lately we've had far from the best circumstances. Reports have been piling up of late that read like long, waking nightmares. I mean read this:

"At the edge of dark, dark woods in South Carolina, children have been
telling adults that a group of clowns have been trying to lure them
into the cluster of trees. They say the clowns live deep in the woods,
near a house by a pond."

That's not the trailer voice over for a horror movie, that's the lede of a recent New York Times article. And that's not the only one. In recent years there have been terrifying clown "hauntings" from Brooklyn to North Carolina to Georgia to California. But as unhappy as I am about this (and I'm in the early stages of mental breakdown from creepy clown-induced lack of sleep), some clowns are even less happy about it.

One such clown, Mike Becvar, or as he's known in the clown world, Sir Toony Van Dukes, is sick of these stories. He thinks the media is just giving into anti-clown bias. He recently told the New York Times:

“I wonder how the reporting on the story would go if instead of
clowns, people were dressing up as aliens, witches, zombies or
doctors?” he asked in an email. “What if they were wearing hospital
scrubs, lab coats and a stethoscope around their neck. Would the news
report that doctors were hiding in the woods trying to lure kids with
candy?”

Hey Sir Toony Van Dukes, let me answer your question. YES! If doctors were luring kids into the woods you can bet your ass the media would report it. And it's not the media's fault that clowns are creepy, Sir Toony. It's clowns' fault. I mean this GIF isn't from a movie, it's just a real life clown:

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Oh great. Now I'm terrified at work before lunch. Thanks a lot, clowns.

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