SexA Millennial's Guide to Having Sex While Living at Home
You can do it! Literally!
There are lots of good reasons why more than one third of young adults currently live with their parents: saving money, helping to care for an aging family member, and, of course, squatter’s rights. I myself am doing it for at least two, occasionally three, of these reasons. You’d think that since I live at home I would gravitate toward men with their own place. Instead, in an effort to truly recapture the spirit of my youth, I’ve dated several guys who also enjoy unbridled access to their parent’s pantry. And you know what? That’s (kinda sorta) okay. Living at home is fine and good and positively European, a mantra that you can repeat in the mirror 20 times every morning so you don’t ever have to say it on a date.
While being positively European is great, having sex in your natal home as an adult requires a healthy dose of gumption and certain amount of finesse. Here’s how to make it work for you. Or, at least, how to keep your date from running from your bunk-bed.
Rule 1: Do not get hung up defending your live-at-home-ness
Sometimes when you live at home you’re a little embarrassed and defensive about it, and you feel the need to over-explain how you’re only doing it until you get into grad school and how one third of Millennials* live at home. Resist this impulse. The only thing worse than living at home is being insecure about living at home. (In other words: It’s not the crime. It’s the cover-up.)
*Rule 1a: Stop calling yourself a Millennial
The word “Millennial” should never be uttered around a person with whom you hope to engage in sex. People wonder why Millennials are having less sex than Generation X, and maybe it's because one is called "Generation X," which sounds like a horny mutant collective, and the other group's been dubbed "Millennials," which sounds like a brand of chewy children’s vitamins.
Rule 2: Ensure the toilet situation is kosher
Let's go to a case study. Will lived in his painting studio, 30 feet from his parent’s house. (I call this “parent-adjacent living.”) We were hanging out there one night when I told him I had to pee. He gestured grandly toward the yard as if to say, “The yard is your oyster-toilet, my queen.” Because Will was a total babe, I went for it, thinking, “It’s like camping!” A week of plein-air peeing later, I remembered I hate camping and asked Will if I could use the facilities in the main house that had been built specifically for this purpose. Ever after, every time I needed to go, he would ask, “Do you need to use the bathroom?” Like, slow down there Marie Antoinette!! If you’re going to bring a woman home to mom and dad's place, don’t make her pee in their yard.
Rule 3: Sort out the parent intros ASAP
If you live with your parents, you’ll almost certainly have to introduce your paramour to them much sooner than you’d like. Basic guidelines here are as follows:
- Do it early: You don’t want your date’s first meeting with mom being when she’s wandering around the yard looking for a good place to pee. (If both mom and date are peeing in the yard, stop reading this article immediately and call 911.)
- Keep it casual. It’s usually a no-no to intro a date as “my friend, X"—and not just because you should know your date’s name. However, in this circumstance the euphemistic "friend" designation is preferred, since it’s far less awkward than introducing someone as, “my maybe-lover, X.”
- Relax. This isn’t pilgrim days. Pops won't force you at musket-point to marry the first person you bring into the house.
Early intros can actually be a good thing, since they give you a chance to showcase how much you like and respect your parents. The liking of the parental unit is a very endearing quality in a man. (If you hate your parents, you should not be living off their hard-earned retirement savings, bro.)
In conclusion: having sex while living in your parents' place is more doable than you think. Be nice, be cool, be European, respect your parents, and—most important—don’t make your date pee in the yard like a common house pet.